Jeanine: Hi! Flex your flower power! Would you like a fact sheet on the Dandy Lion SX, the spores car of tomorrow? Get it? ‘Spores car’? Well, I think it’s cute.
Ned: Are you Jeanine?
Jeanine: Am I in trouble for making up slogan? Cause I’ll say, ‘Blow you away,’ but it seemed redundant with the commercial playing all the time.
Season 1, Episode 2
Narrator: Chuck’s love of language had begun upon the discovery of a portable cassette-tape player and several boxes of language courses.
Voice on tape: Le Jarlsburg est sur la table.
Chuck: Le Jarlsburg est sur la table.
Voice on tape: Die Jarlsburg ist auf dem Tisch.
Chuck: Die Jarlsburg ist auf dem Tisch.
Season 1, Episode 2
Ned: You speak Japanese?
Chuck: Hai. When you take care of shut-ins your whole life, you have plenty of time to read. Don’t you have any hidden talents or hobbies? I mean regular ones.
Season 1, Episode 2
Chuck: I can’t be alive again for no reason. I mean, I suppose I could be, but where’s the fun in that?
Ned: We’ll find the killer. Emerson’s good at what he does.
Chuck: All Emerson cares about is the reward.
Ned: Maybe that’s enough.
Chuck: It’s not enough!
Ned: Enough flour.
Chuck: Oh.
Season 1, Episode 2
Chuck: Emerson thinks I’m useless.
Ned: You’re not useless! Here, let me. You sift. Useless is an empty soap dispenser in a restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all.
Emerson: When you get all jabberwocky in my minute it’s hard to follow up on: ‘The dummy did it.’ I gotta find some real leads, now.
Chuck: Isn’t that what a PI’s supposed to do? Investigate? Isn’t that the fun part?
Emerson: The fun part’s counting my money in the bubble bath.
(Chuck gets up and leaves.)
Ned: Nice image.
Season 1, Episode 2
Ned: So, a crash-test dummy killed Bernard.
Emerson: Bernard was delusional.
Chuck: It’s still a clue.
Emerson: It’s a dead end. And not the kind of dead end you can un-dead and then re-dead again- like you’re supposed to.
Season 1, Episode 2
Emerson: I’m not God, but if I was, I’d be an angry god.
Ned: Well, we gave it our best shot.
Season 1, Episode 2
Bernard: Is this heaven?
Chuck: Could be.
Emerson: No, it’s not.
Bernard: Is that God?
Ned: No, it’s not.
Bernard: I’m confused because I’m a Buddhist.
Season 1, Episode 2
Bernard: Why’s everything so blurry?
Ned: Probably because your eyeballs are flat.
Season 1, Episode 2
